Joke of the Day
- Thread starter icepir8
- Start date
RPGlover12
New member
this is no way gonna be a real watermelon DuDe or is it ???
OP
icepir8
Moderator
- Thread Starter
- #89
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first."
The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth." "Well", said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional.
"But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!
I know, my son," replied the old man. "But that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell", can't stay on the church roof!
The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth." "Well", said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional.
"But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!
I know, my son," replied the old man. "But that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell", can't stay on the church roof!
OP
icepir8
Moderator
- Thread Starter
- #91
The American Medical Association has declared that the long term implications of drugs or medical procedures must be more fully considered.
Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's disease research. It is now projected that by the year 2015 there will be fifty million people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.
Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's disease research. It is now projected that by the year 2015 there will be fifty million people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.
OP
icepir8
Moderator
- Thread Starter
- #92
NASA
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian Reservation in Arizona. One day, a Navajo Elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. " What are these guys in the big suits doing? " A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the Moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the Moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the Elder's message to the Moon. Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the Moon message said, " Watch out for these bastards: they have come to steal your land."
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian Reservation in Arizona. One day, a Navajo Elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. " What are these guys in the big suits doing? " A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the Moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the Moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the Elder's message to the Moon. Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the Moon message said, " Watch out for these bastards: they have come to steal your land."
bjl667
C\C++
FAMILY’S TV PICKS UP SPACE ALIEN PORN!
GLASGOW, SCOTLAND - A family got the shock of their lives when lightning zapped their satellite dish and the TV turned from nice to nasty -- with XXX extraterrestrial porno flicks!
“We were watching Touched by an Angel with the children when -- kaboom! -- there was a frightful thunderclap,” said 31-year-old wife and mother of two, Sheila McCallum.
“The lights flickered for a moment and the TV went blank. When it came back on, we saw a beastly new show that looked like an X-rated alien movie.”
The McCallums sat watching in mute horror and disbelief for nearly five minutes trying to decipher the bizarre pornographic images and sounds filling their family room. When they finally realized what they were being subjected to, Sheila took the children, Evan, 8, and Angela, 6, from the room while Angus worked the remote in a fruitless effort to change the channel.
LOVING parents, Sheila, top, and Angus McCallum are still upset that their kids were exposed
“It was on all 300 channels,” said Angus. “Little gray creatures with big heads inserting probes into other creatures in costumes and masks. They were all moaning and screaming with some weird disco music soundtrack like nothing I’d ever heard before. I thought maybe it was some strange new channel.”
Angus popped a blank tape into the VCR to record it because, “I knew no one would believe what we’d seen.”
McCallum’s complaints to his satellite dish service were initially ignored, until he took the tape to a regional office and demanded they play it.
“We’d never seen anything like it,” confessed shocked service manager Garth Armstrong.
“It made Debbie Does Dallas look like The Sound of Music. It was more like Debbie Does Mars and Everyone in the Star Wars Bar.
“I sent a technician out to repair Mr. McCallum’s damaged satellite dish and gave the family two free months of service to compensate for their trauma.”
Mystified dish executives sent the tape to the United Kingdom Institute of Extraterrestrial Studies which, following a detailed analysis, concluded that the bizarre smut was literally out of this world.
“There’s no doubt this is alien erotica -- or more precisely, pornography,” said Dr. Donald MacGyver, who headed the study.
“Not even George Lucas or Steven Spielberg possesses the special effects capabilities to replicate the strange filth on this tape.
“I’d destroy it, but the value to scientific research is too great. In fact, I’ve got a personal copy at home that I analyze frequently trying to figure out just how it’s possible to mate with eight different species while upside down in a zero gravity environment.”
Published on: September 20, 2002
GLASGOW, SCOTLAND - A family got the shock of their lives when lightning zapped their satellite dish and the TV turned from nice to nasty -- with XXX extraterrestrial porno flicks!
“We were watching Touched by an Angel with the children when -- kaboom! -- there was a frightful thunderclap,” said 31-year-old wife and mother of two, Sheila McCallum.
“The lights flickered for a moment and the TV went blank. When it came back on, we saw a beastly new show that looked like an X-rated alien movie.”
The McCallums sat watching in mute horror and disbelief for nearly five minutes trying to decipher the bizarre pornographic images and sounds filling their family room. When they finally realized what they were being subjected to, Sheila took the children, Evan, 8, and Angela, 6, from the room while Angus worked the remote in a fruitless effort to change the channel.
LOVING parents, Sheila, top, and Angus McCallum are still upset that their kids were exposed
“It was on all 300 channels,” said Angus. “Little gray creatures with big heads inserting probes into other creatures in costumes and masks. They were all moaning and screaming with some weird disco music soundtrack like nothing I’d ever heard before. I thought maybe it was some strange new channel.”
Angus popped a blank tape into the VCR to record it because, “I knew no one would believe what we’d seen.”
McCallum’s complaints to his satellite dish service were initially ignored, until he took the tape to a regional office and demanded they play it.
“We’d never seen anything like it,” confessed shocked service manager Garth Armstrong.
“It made Debbie Does Dallas look like The Sound of Music. It was more like Debbie Does Mars and Everyone in the Star Wars Bar.
“I sent a technician out to repair Mr. McCallum’s damaged satellite dish and gave the family two free months of service to compensate for their trauma.”
Mystified dish executives sent the tape to the United Kingdom Institute of Extraterrestrial Studies which, following a detailed analysis, concluded that the bizarre smut was literally out of this world.
“There’s no doubt this is alien erotica -- or more precisely, pornography,” said Dr. Donald MacGyver, who headed the study.
“Not even George Lucas or Steven Spielberg possesses the special effects capabilities to replicate the strange filth on this tape.
“I’d destroy it, but the value to scientific research is too great. In fact, I’ve got a personal copy at home that I analyze frequently trying to figure out just how it’s possible to mate with eight different species while upside down in a zero gravity environment.”
Published on: September 20, 2002
OP
icepir8
Moderator
- Thread Starter
- #97
Once upon a time, there was a prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.)
One day, he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes) and fell madly in love with her. With the greatest difficulty, he refrained from speaking for 2 whole years so that he could look at her and say, "My darling." But at the end of these 2 years, he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited 3 more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5.
At the end of these 5 years, he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited another 4 years without speaking. Finally, as the 9th year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden, the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"
And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind her dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"
One day, he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes) and fell madly in love with her. With the greatest difficulty, he refrained from speaking for 2 whole years so that he could look at her and say, "My darling." But at the end of these 2 years, he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited 3 more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5.
At the end of these 5 years, he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited another 4 years without speaking. Finally, as the 9th year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden, the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"
And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind her dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"
iq_132
Banned
Suicide isn't so bad, give it a chance.
Thinking about suicide but you're not sure if it's the right thing to do? Here are some tips to help you decide whether or not killing yourself is a good choice:
1. Do you live at home but your parents are always making you clean your room and do your homework? It's a sure sign that they don't love you and that they want you to kill yourself. Why else would they make you clean your room? What are they going to do next, ground you? Make you wear braces? Don't kid yourself, the message is clear.
2. If you just got out of a bad relationship and you feel like things are never going to get better; you're right. Everyone knows that suicide is the only option, stop procrastinating. Look on the bright side, at least your ex will feel guilty for a couple of minutes--but don't count on it.
3. Depressed? Don't have any friends? I guess nobody told you, but being depressed and feeling lonely isn't normal. Everyone else is happy, and has lots of friends so there must be something wrong with you. Put the prozac away, what you need is rat poison.
4. Spill a drink at a party? Drop a plate of food in a restaurant? Nobody else has to live with that kind of embarrassment; you know what you have to do.
5. Flunked out of college? Don't know algebra? Here's a question you should know the answer to: Flunked out of college + Don't know algebra = Time for _____. Chances are you still don't know the answer, so here's a hint: it starts with an 's' and ends in 'uicide'.
6. Traffic jam? Sometimes bad luck isn't a coincidence. Do you really want to sit in traffic for another half hour? Look on the bright side, if you're a viking you'll be going to Valhalla. Then again, you're probably not, but eternal damnation in hell is probably the next best thing.
7. Telemarketers keep calling? It's easier to hang yourself than to get rid of a telemarketer, am I wrong? If you're lucky, Home Depot might be having a sale on rope. After all, you don't want to die letting people think you weren't frugal.
8. Flu? You realize that there's no cure for the flu, right? Well, no cure that doesn't involve painting the wall with your brains.
9. Flat tire? Do I have to spell it out for you?
10. College application get rejected? Take the hint.
Hope you found this guide helpful, mention it in your suicide note. On second thought, why bother? Nobody will read it.
Thinking about suicide but you're not sure if it's the right thing to do? Here are some tips to help you decide whether or not killing yourself is a good choice:
1. Do you live at home but your parents are always making you clean your room and do your homework? It's a sure sign that they don't love you and that they want you to kill yourself. Why else would they make you clean your room? What are they going to do next, ground you? Make you wear braces? Don't kid yourself, the message is clear.
2. If you just got out of a bad relationship and you feel like things are never going to get better; you're right. Everyone knows that suicide is the only option, stop procrastinating. Look on the bright side, at least your ex will feel guilty for a couple of minutes--but don't count on it.
3. Depressed? Don't have any friends? I guess nobody told you, but being depressed and feeling lonely isn't normal. Everyone else is happy, and has lots of friends so there must be something wrong with you. Put the prozac away, what you need is rat poison.
4. Spill a drink at a party? Drop a plate of food in a restaurant? Nobody else has to live with that kind of embarrassment; you know what you have to do.
5. Flunked out of college? Don't know algebra? Here's a question you should know the answer to: Flunked out of college + Don't know algebra = Time for _____. Chances are you still don't know the answer, so here's a hint: it starts with an 's' and ends in 'uicide'.
6. Traffic jam? Sometimes bad luck isn't a coincidence. Do you really want to sit in traffic for another half hour? Look on the bright side, if you're a viking you'll be going to Valhalla. Then again, you're probably not, but eternal damnation in hell is probably the next best thing.
7. Telemarketers keep calling? It's easier to hang yourself than to get rid of a telemarketer, am I wrong? If you're lucky, Home Depot might be having a sale on rope. After all, you don't want to die letting people think you weren't frugal.
8. Flu? You realize that there's no cure for the flu, right? Well, no cure that doesn't involve painting the wall with your brains.
9. Flat tire? Do I have to spell it out for you?
10. College application get rejected? Take the hint.
Hope you found this guide helpful, mention it in your suicide note. On second thought, why bother? Nobody will read it.
pj64er
PJ64 Lubba
iq, thats just from this thread: http://www.emutalk.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=8774
u can do better than that!
u can do better than that!