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Joke of the Day

OP
icepir8

icepir8

Moderator
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. "Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the teacher putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail."Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked.Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
 
OP
icepir8

icepir8

Moderator
A young boy answered the phone in a whisper "Hello?"

The man at the other end asked to speak to his father. The boy replied in a whispher "He can't come to the phone."

The man then asked to speak to his mother. He again whispered "She's busy. She can't come to the phone either."

The man became confused and asked if anyone else was at the house with the boy. "Yes," he wispered. "The police and the firemen are here too." When the man asked to speak to one of them, hoping to finally get an adult on the phone to find out what was going on, the boy again whispered "They're busy too. They can't come to the phone either."

Finally the man asked the boy what his father, his mother, the police and the fire department were so busy doing that they could not come to the phone.

The boy whispered "They're looking for me."
 
OP
icepir8

icepir8

Moderator
There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,

"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
 
AlphaWolf

AlphaWolf

I prey, not pray.
The recording industry has found a cheaper way of writing hit music with the same ammount of origionality as their hits in the last few years...
 
OP
icepir8

icepir8

Moderator
The Ultimate Chain Letter . . .

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at he top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping.

REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man’s pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model.

An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood supermodel.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again.
 
OP
icepir8

icepir8

Moderator
A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting, "Give me your hand!" But the man would not reach up.

Joe elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked, "What is your profession?"

"I am an IRS agent," gasped the man. "In that case," said Joe, "Take my hand!"

The IRS agent immediately grasped the Joe's hand and was hauled to safety. Joe turned to the amazed by-standers and declared, "Never ask an IRS agent to "give" you anything, you fools!"
 
OP
icepir8

icepir8

Moderator
A visitor from The Netherlands was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
 
OP
icepir8

icepir8

Moderator
10 Signs Your Co-Worker Is A Hacker...

You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.

He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.

He placed bets that Justin would not win the first American Idol.

When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

Seems strangely calm whenever the office system goes down.

Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net".

Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.

When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President".

You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, dumbass."

When you ask him to help you with a computer problem, he say's "Sure, that will be a picnic!" (PICNIC in techy lingo stands for Problem In Chair Not In Computer).
 
OP
icepir8

icepir8

Moderator
A tall blonde and a tall brunette are stading in an elevator. A short bald man with lots of dandruff walks in, then gets off at the next floor. The brunette says, “Boy he could use some head and shoulders.” The blonde says, “Hm. How do you give shoulders?”
 
OP
icepir8

icepir8

Moderator
Balls^2

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account.The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars."

The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash.I've got it here in this bag..."

The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff in big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one.He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.She says, "Gambling."

"Gambling?," he says."What sort of gambling?"

"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win.For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds.You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?"

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money."I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!"

The little old lady just shook the bag, and said,"I know what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to.Is it a bet?"

"Ok, have it your way," said the president, and they shook hands on it.

"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning," said the little old lady, and with that she left. Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office.The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night.He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won. "Come in, please have a seat!Who might this gentleman be?" said the president.

"He's my lawyer.For a bet of this size I want to have a witness.Any objections?"

"No, perfectly understandable," said the president.

"Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.

"Not so fast!" said the little old lady."For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally!Please drop your pants."

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants.The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

"Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills.As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.

"Oh, he's just upset.Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."
 
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