Joke of the Day
- Thread starter icepir8
- Start date
Dr. Famicom
Talks Out Of His Ass
4 nuns were driving in a van and they drove off of a cliff. When they got to heaven they had to put the part of their body they touched a penis with in the holy water.
The first nun got up and said she touched one with her finger she dipped it in the holy water and went on.
The next nun said she touched with her hand, so she dipped it in the holy water and went on.
The next two nuns were fighting on who went next. St. Peter asked Sister Ashley what was wrong, and she said, "Well, I want to gargle the water before sister mary sticks her butt in it."
The first nun got up and said she touched one with her finger she dipped it in the holy water and went on.
The next nun said she touched with her hand, so she dipped it in the holy water and went on.
The next two nuns were fighting on who went next. St. Peter asked Sister Ashley what was wrong, and she said, "Well, I want to gargle the water before sister mary sticks her butt in it."
OP
icepir8
Moderator
- Thread Starter
- #125
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo-doo now." (He was an Irish setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"
The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo-doo now." (He was an Irish setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"
nycbeatatl
Lives in ATL, longs for NYC.
A kid went up to Santa Claus in the middle of summer.
"What do you do this time of year when you're not giving out presents?" he asked.
Santa replied, "Son, I plant three gardens so I can HO HO HO!!!!'
"What do you do this time of year when you're not giving out presents?" he asked.
Santa replied, "Son, I plant three gardens so I can HO HO HO!!!!'
BTM
Polish Emu Scene Member
Seen that one and maaaaaaaaaaaaany more @ http://fun.from.hell.pl greate site for funny pics/movies/swf/wahtever's
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman.
"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.
"Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said.
Well, thought the man, might as well carry on.
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who this time was quite attractive.
"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought that this was getting better the farther he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty -- slim, attractive, the lot.
"Fuck me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting and being a gambling man, he decided to keep climbing. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man, armpit hair exposed, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the climber asked.
"Hello," said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess."
"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.
"Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said.
Well, thought the man, might as well carry on.
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who this time was quite attractive.
"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought that this was getting better the farther he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty -- slim, attractive, the lot.
"Fuck me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting and being a gambling man, he decided to keep climbing. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man, armpit hair exposed, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the climber asked.
"Hello," said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess."
rofl good one martin heres a good m$ joke
What do you Believe?
Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Bill Gates all die in a plane crash.
They are standing before God, seated on His throne.
God asks Al: "What do you believe?" Al says: "I believe in the earth. I believe if we don't protect it, the whole earth will die."
God says: "I like that, come sit on my left. Bill Clinton, what do you believe?"
Bill Clinton says: "I believe in people. I believe the people should be empowered. I believe no one has the right to tell someone else what to do."
God says: "I like that, come sit on my right. OK Bill Gates, what do you believe?"
Bill Gates says: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."
What do you Believe?
Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Bill Gates all die in a plane crash.
They are standing before God, seated on His throne.
God asks Al: "What do you believe?" Al says: "I believe in the earth. I believe if we don't protect it, the whole earth will die."
God says: "I like that, come sit on my left. Bill Clinton, what do you believe?"
Bill Clinton says: "I believe in people. I believe the people should be empowered. I believe no one has the right to tell someone else what to do."
God says: "I like that, come sit on my right. OK Bill Gates, what do you believe?"
Bill Gates says: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."
OP
icepir8
Moderator
- Thread Starter
- #136
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar."
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar."
OP
icepir8
Moderator
- Thread Starter
- #138
A young boy had been taken for his first visit to a nudist camp by his parents. He was surprised at the different sizes of the male organs and mentioned it to his father. The father, being rather well endowed, explained that it was a measure of intelligence, the big ones being smart and the small ones being dumb.
That afternoon the father was looking for his wife and asked his son if he had seen his mother.
"I saw her about ten minutes ago, She was with a real dumb man, but he seemed to be getting smarter every minute."
That afternoon the father was looking for his wife and asked his son if he had seen his mother.
"I saw her about ten minutes ago, She was with a real dumb man, but he seemed to be getting smarter every minute."
OP
icepir8
Moderator
- Thread Starter
- #139
One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.
"Mom, what's this?" I asked.
"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.
"Is it working?" I asked.
"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"
"Mom, what's this?" I asked.
"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.
"Is it working?" I asked.
"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"
OP
icepir8
Moderator
- Thread Starter
- #140
Two women were walking through the forest when they heard a voice from under a log.
Investigating, the women discovered the voice was coming from a frog: "Help me, ladies! I am an investment banker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"
The first woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag.
The second woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into an investment banker?"
The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than an investment banker!"
Investigating, the women discovered the voice was coming from a frog: "Help me, ladies! I am an investment banker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"
The first woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag.
The second woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into an investment banker?"
The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than an investment banker!"