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Ketil

New member
This short story is for school, what grade would you give me for it?
Here it goes:

Lil` Bo The Hitman

In a time were agents of the law were pleanty and distructors of the law were more, there was a man who stood above the rest: Lil` Bo The Hitman. He worked in a mafia organisation in Moscow, Russia. The organisation had the name Deadman Incorporated.

One day Bo was assigned to a mission by his leader, his name was Fat Joe. The mission was to secure an entry to the Pensacola airbase in USA, hijack an F-16 fighter aircraft and neutralize The White House, an operation that his associate Osama bin Laden failed to fulfill.

Before travelling to the USA Jack had to take flying lessons home in Russia. After a few weeks of air combat training, he was ready to be shipped to the USA, the eye of the storm. Jack was supplied with several modern firearms to help him complete his mission. He was given a suppressed Beretta 92FS, an Ingram MAC-10, an MP5 and a few grenades.

Just a few hours after he arrived New York, a policeman got suspicious about him and Bo notied it. He pulled up his silenced pistol and dispatched him. No-one around in the street noticed, no wonder when the place was so crowded. Bo continued his vendetta down to the subway, where he took the train over to the Pensacola airbase.

Arriving Pensacola he put on his pilot uniform and made his entry to the hangars. Bo noticed an F-16, and decided to hijack it. When Bo was walking towards the aircraft a pilot got suspicious about him and called for backup. He had no other choice than to use his MAC-10 to clear out the hostiles. Lil` Bo walked backwards towards the plane while spraying with his MAC-10, clearing the filthy americans out of his path. He sat into the cockpit and drove the F-16 out to the runway and took off.

He sat his course straight at the White House, his bomb target. When Bo got a clear visual of the building he activated his weapon systems and fired a missile that made the left side of the building collapse. He took a u-turn to head back and launch another missile. This missile took out the right side of the building. Now it was only one part left, the center. At this part George W. Bush had his office. Bo saw the president beg for his life from inside the window, but he did not hesitate, he fired his heaviest missile straight at him, taking out the last part of the building. When Bo knew he had completed the objectives, he realized it was no way he could make it back to Russia alive. Right then he spotted a team of ten F-16 fighters from the US Air-Force. Bo did not stand a chance. The mission was fulfilled, and so was Lil` Bo The Hitman.

The End.
 
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Ketil

Ketil

New member
well i live in Norway. My english is not that good this is the best i can do.
 

DuDe

Emu64 Staff
I`m gonna with 2f4u on that one dude, it`s lacking. Not enough detail, and you should have gone a bit farther into describing the security around Bush and the airplanes, it`s not as simple as - shoot people, bang bang.
But if it`s for school, you don`t have to write a friggin "Yulisses". It`ll probably do.
 
OP
Ketil

Ketil

New member
I'm the best in english at my class.
I need a new name for that mafia thing tho
 

Malcolm

Not a Moderator
Ketil: Maybe you would get more help from friends or a teacher from your school. I know this forum is way off topic but this is a little to...
 

adi

get out of my house
hmmmm, its topical to say the least but it isn't very exciting. add in a few swear words/gratutious violence and it should be OK. or do some paranormal transformation half way ala Stephen King. Man, i Love that author. the first 100 pages of Desperation are the finest I've ever read in a book
 

Johnny_Rico

Mobile Infantry
ALL essays are the same.
This story is NOT good, it's just a school essay!
Give it to your teacher and get your 100 man! :D
 

Josep

eyerun4phun
too choppy, i don't know what this is supposed to be, but if it was an "Ultra fast short story" It MIGHT be ok, but waaay too fragmented
 

Tri-Force

Philosopher Warrior
ive won enough writing contests to help right of the bat. frist of all nobody want's to read a story about a hitman that begins "once upon a time" it's too alice and wonderland ish. give it some deapth. try something like (and this is just off the top of my head) "In a time when agents of the law were pleanty and distructors of the law were more, there was a man who stood above the rest."
 
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Raging Fuel

The jumbles man, the jumbles
What grade are you in? And yeh, I was going to pretty much say what tri-force said, don't start a story about terrorists with 'once upon a time'.
 
maybe another start could be in the present tense? rather than refering to it as if it happened in the 1800s... how about "The polotical climate has been growing steadily more intense for the last 9 months, acts of violence against world leaders have become common place. In a time like this one hitman has made a name for himself like no other..." ?

just a thought :)
 

DuDe

Emu64 Staff
How about NOT naming the hitman Jack? What kind of a name is that for a hitman? A hitman should have some kind of a nickname, something like "Lil` Bo" or whatever.
 

aprentice

Moderator
No no, mario is a great name for a hitman. Hes evil! Hes addicted millions of people out there to his games. Damn hes hot
 
OP
Ketil

Ketil

New member
did some slight adjustments in the beginning and names. still needs more violence, and a little more sickness.
 

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