Jokes
- Thread starter Slougi
- Start date
Not a joke, but a story:
It was shortly before Christmas, and I arrived at the local mall to do some last minute shopping. While walking up, I noticed a little boy in tears. He had a $100 bill in his hand, and he was just standing there crying. I approached and asked him what was wrong. He told me a sad story. His deadbeat dad left some years ago. His mother was doing her best to raise him and his brother. She worked two jobs; very long hours, but despite this the family just barely scraped by. The mother had managed to save $200 for presents for her children. She had given the money to her oldest son and dropped him off at the mall. He was to buy a present or two for he and his sibling, and leave just enough for bus fare to get home. Here he was, and he told me that an older boy had run up, snatched one of the $100 bills and ran away. I asked, "didn't you yell for help?" He said, "yes." I asked, "you yelled, and no one came to help?" He replied through tears, "uh huh." So I asked, "how loudly did you yell?" He yelled timidly, in a voice barely audible: "HEEELP!" I thought to myself, there's no way anyone could hear him yell like that.
So I snatched the other $100 bill from his hand and ran away.
j/k
It was shortly before Christmas, and I arrived at the local mall to do some last minute shopping. While walking up, I noticed a little boy in tears. He had a $100 bill in his hand, and he was just standing there crying. I approached and asked him what was wrong. He told me a sad story. His deadbeat dad left some years ago. His mother was doing her best to raise him and his brother. She worked two jobs; very long hours, but despite this the family just barely scraped by. The mother had managed to save $200 for presents for her children. She had given the money to her oldest son and dropped him off at the mall. He was to buy a present or two for he and his sibling, and leave just enough for bus fare to get home. Here he was, and he told me that an older boy had run up, snatched one of the $100 bills and ran away. I asked, "didn't you yell for help?" He said, "yes." I asked, "you yelled, and no one came to help?" He replied through tears, "uh huh." So I asked, "how loudly did you yell?" He yelled timidly, in a voice barely audible: "HEEELP!" I thought to myself, there's no way anyone could hear him yell like that.
So I snatched the other $100 bill from his hand and ran away.
j/k
Last edited:
In the year of the lord 2002 a honest, religious man decided that he should explore the world, so he sells his house and buys a ship. For months the man sail the seven seas and when he is enjoying the freedom at it´s most, the ship suddenly hits a reef and the shipwrecked man washes up on a small beach.
Depraved of his newly found freedom the man starts to build himself a camp of one. He quickly establishes that he is the only human on the small island and as the years pass by the man never loses faith in god. One of god´s servants passes the world on, and god makes a entry in his schedule for the man. One day god appears out of the sky...
- I see that you have never lost faith in me my son, after all these years you belief in me is even stronger. I will grant you one wish but think about what you and others really need before making your wish.
- I wish that there was a bridge all the way from here to home.
- My son, that is a long bridge and it will require a lot of effort to construct. Is there not anything else that I can do for you?
- Yes god, I would like to understand women...
- Did you say four or eight lanes...
Well, after reading it I feel that some, hopefully not all, of the punchline was lost in the conversion from my native toungue to english. I prefer longer, complicated jokes but for you that can not stand these jokes I thought that a shorter one would be in order.
How can you tell that your younger brother has been to the refridgerator?
The cucumber is missing...
Depraved of his newly found freedom the man starts to build himself a camp of one. He quickly establishes that he is the only human on the small island and as the years pass by the man never loses faith in god. One of god´s servants passes the world on, and god makes a entry in his schedule for the man. One day god appears out of the sky...
- I see that you have never lost faith in me my son, after all these years you belief in me is even stronger. I will grant you one wish but think about what you and others really need before making your wish.
- I wish that there was a bridge all the way from here to home.
- My son, that is a long bridge and it will require a lot of effort to construct. Is there not anything else that I can do for you?
- Yes god, I would like to understand women...
- Did you say four or eight lanes...
Well, after reading it I feel that some, hopefully not all, of the punchline was lost in the conversion from my native toungue to english. I prefer longer, complicated jokes but for you that can not stand these jokes I thought that a shorter one would be in order.
How can you tell that your younger brother has been to the refridgerator?
The cucumber is missing...
adi
get out of my house
OK, I'm gonna apologise beforehand for this, but heres some incredibly childish/sexist jokes which I found funny. By the way, I'm all for equal rights!
Knock knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
No need to cry, I've only come to say hello!
How many women does it take to screw on a lightbulb?
One to do the thing, while twenty form a support group.
My reputation will be in tatters after that sorry state of affairs.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
No need to cry, I've only come to say hello!
How many women does it take to screw on a lightbulb?
One to do the thing, while twenty form a support group.
My reputation will be in tatters after that sorry state of affairs.
Whoa! Sensitive.
WHOA! Critical.
Hmm, it was funny when I heard it. I guess I'm made of stone.:lookaway:
I'll try to remember some that are funnier/less likely to offend.:sly:
I'll cut and paste this from another forum. I thought it was worth a few chuckles.
-------------------------cut--------------------------
... Feel lucky? Update your software!
... File not found. Nobody leave the room!
... "Hello World!" 17 errors, 31 warnings
... "It compiled? The first screen came up? Ship it!" (Bill Gates)
... "What the f**k was that?"... ..Mayor of Hiroshima
... (K)ill (R)oadkill (M)urder (D)estroy (N)uke (A)nnihilate (S)moke ?
... 1024x768x256... Sounds like one mean woman
... 20:00:27 Os›bßûr‰ög÷.{�fiÌöûÂ�r�¨cï^ûb®ýàh on-line at 2400 BPS
... 2B OR NOT 2B = FF
... 9 out of 10 men, who tried Camels, prefer women
... A bad day: "Transfer completed (5720468 bytes, 1 CPS)"
... A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
... A shot of reality never hurt anyone
... All great discoveries are made by mistake
... Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key.
... Bad or Missing Sysop. Free files in all areas.
... Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other.
... Ban the Bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
... Best 3D game? DOOK. I mean DUME.
... C:\DOS;\SYSTEM;\UTILITIES;\DOCS;\HELP;\WHERE\THE\F^CK\AM_I\?
... C:\PROGRAMS\FAULTY\TRASH\SICKJOKE\WINDOWS>
... Canadian DOS: "Yer sure, eh? [Y,n]"
... CAUTION! Do not look into laser with remaining eye.
... Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.
... Coming soon: Doom III - What The Hell?
... Conquistador Coffee brings new meaning to the word 'Vomit'
... Cosmetics: preventing men from reading between the lines
... Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: COMPLETE mean?
... DCE seeks DTE for mutual exchange of data.
... Democracy: 3 wolves and a sheep voting on dinner
... DEVICE=LIFE LOCKED@AGE25 HEALTH=PERFECT
... Didn't I meet you in some other hallucination??
... Don't drink water, fish f**k in it
... Earth is shutting down in five minutes--please save all files and log out
... Error 109: Error 108
... ERROR! Windows found! Formatting Drive C:!
... Ever noticed how fast Windows run? Me neither...
... Everyone Stops Smoking Sooner Or Later
... Evoluiton is God's way of issuing upgrades
... Forgive your enemies, but always remember their names
... Happiness is 9,10-Didehydo-N,N-diethyl-6-methylergoline-8B-carboxamide
... Have a nice day - unless you've made other plans
... He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke
... Honey, I Formatted The Kid!
... I am free of prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
... I t±ld yo±, "Never±touch ±he flop±y disk s±rface!"
... I used to miss my girlfriend, but my aim improved
... I wish life had a scroll-back buffer
... Insert disk 5 of 4 and press any key to continue
... Insert Mouse into drive A: and press any key
... It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
... JESUS SAVES; the rest of us better make backups.
... Let's grab some beer and dynamite and go fishing.
... Life: a sexually transmitted condition with 100% fatality
... Life's too short to use a slow modem
... Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another
... LSD: The ULTIMATE in Virtual Reality
... LYF SUX
... MafiaDOS: "Thisa you lasta chance [Y/N]"?
... Moderator not found. Begin flame war [Y,n]?
... MOUSE.DRV not found, use RAT.DRV instead?
... My computer never locks u
... Never believe anything until it's been officially denied
... Never stand between a dog and a lamp post!
... On a hacker's tombstone: CONNECT 1964 - NO CARRIER 1994
... Only XT users know that January 1, 1980 was a Tuesday.
... Optimist: a guy without much experience
... Origin: PowerNet (127:220/380)
... Out of paper on drive D:
... pkzip -urp pardon.me
... Please return stewardess to original upright position!
... Portrait of President Ronald Reagan: 7:^]
... Press ESC to enter or Enter to escape
... Real_men_don't_need_spacebars.
... Reality is just approximation to theory
... Reality is that part of imagination we all agree on
... REALITY.SYS corrupted. Reboot UNIVERSE [Y,n] ?
... Save trees - do everything on-line
... Scratch and Sniff-> zZzZzZzZzZzZzz Smells like glass, eh?
... Sector not found. did you search under the bed?
... SEX!, Drugs!, Power!, Corruption!, and LIES!...Man I LOVE Congress....
... She has beautiful eyes... too bad she has three of them.
... Sometimes it's hard to live. Like when you are dead.
... Sorry, the brain you have reached is disconnected
... Southern DOS: Y'all Reckon? (Yep/Nope)
... Student Goes Berserk And Mugs Ninety-Five Psychos With Samurai Sword.
... Sure drinking kills brain cells, but only the weak ones!
... Sylvester Stallone: father of the RISC concept
... The Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can.
... The shortest route between two points is always under construction.
... The Ultimate Virus: A self installing copy of "Win95".
... The world is coming to an end -- please log off.
... There is a bomb on the premises. Please PANIC immediately.
... Thinking: ÛÛÛÛÛ°°°°°°° 37% done
... This copy of planet Earth has been unregistered for 4 billion years
... Tina Turner Kills Eighty-Five Students In A Drunken Rampage
... Track 0 bad?? Don't worry, there's lots of others...
... Troubleshooting Shortcut #1: Shoot the trouble!
... Unknown Error on Unknown Device for Unexplainable Reason
... User Failure: Please Insert a Bootable Brain.
... Vegetarians eat vegetables - beware of humanitarians!
... Welcome to Hell! Here's your copy of WINDOWS
... Will Write Login Scripts For Food
... Windows 6345634.45a: please insert disk 95 of 5645
... Windows 8783837773.2c! We finaly got it right.(Bill Gates)
... Windows: the $89 solution to your excess speed problem
... WindowsError:010 Reserved for future mistakes
... WindowsError:042 This virus requires Microsoft Windows.
... Yer momma's so fat she got her own area code
... Yer momma's so old she's got Jesus' beeper number
... Your brain doesn't have enough memory, please make a boot disk
-------------------------cut--------------------------
... Feel lucky? Update your software!
... File not found. Nobody leave the room!
... "Hello World!" 17 errors, 31 warnings
... "It compiled? The first screen came up? Ship it!" (Bill Gates)
... "What the f**k was that?"... ..Mayor of Hiroshima
... (K)ill (R)oadkill (M)urder (D)estroy (N)uke (A)nnihilate (S)moke ?
... 1024x768x256... Sounds like one mean woman
... 20:00:27 Os›bßûr‰ög÷.{�fiÌöûÂ�r�¨cï^ûb®ýàh on-line at 2400 BPS
... 2B OR NOT 2B = FF
... 9 out of 10 men, who tried Camels, prefer women
... A bad day: "Transfer completed (5720468 bytes, 1 CPS)"
... A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
... A shot of reality never hurt anyone
... All great discoveries are made by mistake
... Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key.
... Bad or Missing Sysop. Free files in all areas.
... Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other.
... Ban the Bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
... Best 3D game? DOOK. I mean DUME.
... C:\DOS;\SYSTEM;\UTILITIES;\DOCS;\HELP;\WHERE\THE\F^CK\AM_I\?
... C:\PROGRAMS\FAULTY\TRASH\SICKJOKE\WINDOWS>
... Canadian DOS: "Yer sure, eh? [Y,n]"
... CAUTION! Do not look into laser with remaining eye.
... Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.
... Coming soon: Doom III - What The Hell?
... Conquistador Coffee brings new meaning to the word 'Vomit'
... Cosmetics: preventing men from reading between the lines
... Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: COMPLETE mean?
... DCE seeks DTE for mutual exchange of data.
... Democracy: 3 wolves and a sheep voting on dinner
... DEVICE=LIFE LOCKED@AGE25 HEALTH=PERFECT
... Didn't I meet you in some other hallucination??
... Don't drink water, fish f**k in it
... Earth is shutting down in five minutes--please save all files and log out
... Error 109: Error 108
... ERROR! Windows found! Formatting Drive C:!
... Ever noticed how fast Windows run? Me neither...
... Everyone Stops Smoking Sooner Or Later
... Evoluiton is God's way of issuing upgrades
... Forgive your enemies, but always remember their names
... Happiness is 9,10-Didehydo-N,N-diethyl-6-methylergoline-8B-carboxamide
... Have a nice day - unless you've made other plans
... He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke
... Honey, I Formatted The Kid!
... I am free of prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
... I t±ld yo±, "Never±touch ±he flop±y disk s±rface!"
... I used to miss my girlfriend, but my aim improved
... I wish life had a scroll-back buffer
... Insert disk 5 of 4 and press any key to continue
... Insert Mouse into drive A: and press any key
... It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
... JESUS SAVES; the rest of us better make backups.
... Let's grab some beer and dynamite and go fishing.
... Life: a sexually transmitted condition with 100% fatality
... Life's too short to use a slow modem
... Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another
... LSD: The ULTIMATE in Virtual Reality
... LYF SUX
... MafiaDOS: "Thisa you lasta chance [Y/N]"?
... Moderator not found. Begin flame war [Y,n]?
... MOUSE.DRV not found, use RAT.DRV instead?
... My computer never locks u
... Never believe anything until it's been officially denied
... Never stand between a dog and a lamp post!
... On a hacker's tombstone: CONNECT 1964 - NO CARRIER 1994
... Only XT users know that January 1, 1980 was a Tuesday.
... Optimist: a guy without much experience
... Origin: PowerNet (127:220/380)
... Out of paper on drive D:
... pkzip -urp pardon.me
... Please return stewardess to original upright position!
... Portrait of President Ronald Reagan: 7:^]
... Press ESC to enter or Enter to escape
... Real_men_don't_need_spacebars.
... Reality is just approximation to theory
... Reality is that part of imagination we all agree on
... REALITY.SYS corrupted. Reboot UNIVERSE [Y,n] ?
... Save trees - do everything on-line
... Scratch and Sniff-> zZzZzZzZzZzZzz Smells like glass, eh?
... Sector not found. did you search under the bed?
... SEX!, Drugs!, Power!, Corruption!, and LIES!...Man I LOVE Congress....
... She has beautiful eyes... too bad she has three of them.
... Sometimes it's hard to live. Like when you are dead.
... Sorry, the brain you have reached is disconnected
... Southern DOS: Y'all Reckon? (Yep/Nope)
... Student Goes Berserk And Mugs Ninety-Five Psychos With Samurai Sword.
... Sure drinking kills brain cells, but only the weak ones!
... Sylvester Stallone: father of the RISC concept
... The Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can.
... The shortest route between two points is always under construction.
... The Ultimate Virus: A self installing copy of "Win95".
... The world is coming to an end -- please log off.
... There is a bomb on the premises. Please PANIC immediately.
... Thinking: ÛÛÛÛÛ°°°°°°° 37% done
... This copy of planet Earth has been unregistered for 4 billion years
... Tina Turner Kills Eighty-Five Students In A Drunken Rampage
... Track 0 bad?? Don't worry, there's lots of others...
... Troubleshooting Shortcut #1: Shoot the trouble!
... Unknown Error on Unknown Device for Unexplainable Reason
... User Failure: Please Insert a Bootable Brain.
... Vegetarians eat vegetables - beware of humanitarians!
... Welcome to Hell! Here's your copy of WINDOWS
... Will Write Login Scripts For Food
... Windows 6345634.45a: please insert disk 95 of 5645
... Windows 8783837773.2c! We finaly got it right.(Bill Gates)
... Windows: the $89 solution to your excess speed problem
... WindowsError:010 Reserved for future mistakes
... WindowsError:042 This virus requires Microsoft Windows.
... Yer momma's so fat she got her own area code
... Yer momma's so old she's got Jesus' beeper number
... Your brain doesn't have enough memory, please make a boot disk
A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.:lookarountheacj said:Much better allnatural
That's my favorite.
I'll edit my first "story" a bit; the dead father part is a tad macabre. If a few others are also offended, I'll remove it.
/though I still think it's funny, not that I condone stealing.:sly:
DuDe
Emu64 Staff
K, a dude comes to his friends house, and sees a huge tennis court there, I mean, it`s like a mile long, and sees his friend sitting next to it. So he asks his friend "Dude, where did you get that court from"? So he shows him this lamp, and says : "There`s a genie in the lamp, and he can fullfill every wish, but only once. But I gotta warn you, he`s hearing isn`t good". Well, the dude doesn`t care, he takes the lamp, rubs it, and says: "I want a suitcase full with money". Bang, a suitcase falls on his head, with tons of HONEY flowing out of it. So the guy guy goes: "what the hell"? And the friend tells him : "I told you the friggin genie is almost deaf, do you really think that I asked for a major size TENNIS"?
DuDe
Emu64 Staff
Two gangsters go for hunting in the woods. Well, they shoot birds and deer and stuff, when suddenly one of them gets a heart attack, and falls on the ground. He`s friend grabs his cell phone, and calls 911. Some doctor answers him, and he tells him "Hey man, my friend here is getting a heart attack, I think he`s dead, what can I do?" So the doctor says, "make sure he`s dead first". There`s a brief silence on the line, and the doctor hears two gun shots, and then the mob guy asks him: "Now what?"
DuDe
Emu64 Staff
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decided to go camping in the woods. Well, the night comes, and they raise a tent, and go to sleep in it. At about 3 am, Holmes wakes up Watson, and tells him: "look up Watson, and tell me what you see." Watson looks up, and says:"Well, I see the big night skies, full with stars. Astronomically, it tells me how big the universe is, theologically, it makes me wonder if there is a god somewhere up there, and metheorologically, it tells me that there is going to be a clear day tomorrow. And what do YOU see out of it, Holmes?" "Well, dear old Watson", says Holmes, and puffs some smoke out of his pipe, "It`s quite obvious. I can see that someone has stolen our tent".
I like This One
God creates Adam, and soon Adam is complaining that he's
all alone in the Garden of Eden. So God says, "Okay, I'll
make you a companion, a beautiful creature who'll cook and clean for you. It will be able to converse intelligently on any subject, and never ever complain or argue." Adam says, "That sounds great." God says, "The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg." Adam says, "Damn, that's expensive. What can I get for a rib?"
God creates Adam, and soon Adam is complaining that he's
all alone in the Garden of Eden. So God says, "Okay, I'll
make you a companion, a beautiful creature who'll cook and clean for you. It will be able to converse intelligently on any subject, and never ever complain or argue." Adam says, "That sounds great." God says, "The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg." Adam says, "Damn, that's expensive. What can I get for a rib?"
Allnatural said:I'll cut and paste this from another forum. I thought it was worth a few chuckles.
-------------------------cut--------------------------
... Insert disk 5 of 4 and press any key to continue
The worst part is that our sattelite reciever does that!
(Seaching on Sat 4 of 3 that is) :blush: