What's new

Joke of the Day

icepir8

Moderator
Ugly Baby
A woman gets on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

Mad as a hornet, the woman slammed her money into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her whatwas wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
 
OP
icepir8

icepir8

Moderator
Washington D.C



A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?"

The reply was, "Washington D.C."

On being asked what the 'D.C.' stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!"
 

DuDe

Emu64 Staff
Heh, reminds me of an old "Jaywalking", some chick said that it means "Da Capital".
 
OP
icepir8

icepir8

Moderator
A Husband's Moment of Realization
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."
 
OP
icepir8

icepir8

Moderator
The Art of Riding a Dead Horse

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount." However, in modern government and academia, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed such as:


1. Buying a stronger whip;

2. Changing Riders;

3. Threatening the horse with termination;

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse;

5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead
horses;

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included;

7. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living impaired";

8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse;

9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed;

10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's
performance;

11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the
dead horse's performance;

12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more
to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses;

13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses; and

14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

(is this a MicroSoft procedure?)
 

Ruesselschnurps

The Mad Wombat
A short, but funny poem:

A bored mother hold her daughter
for 18 minutes under water,
but not to make her any troubles,
just to see the funny bubbles !
 
OP
icepir8

icepir8

Moderator
Random Truths

Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it for awhile... it isn't so hot.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'

If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is---- it's you.

Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here illegally, but they hang around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration!
 
OP
icepir8

icepir8

Moderator
Keep this in mind

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical center as a phlebotomist.

It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends, things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting. Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.

Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize its just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man. However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.
 
OP
icepir8

icepir8

Moderator
Hiking

A father came home from a long business trip to find his young son riding a brand new bike.

"Where did you get the money for that?" he asked. "It must have cost over 300 dollars!"

"I earned it hiking," replied the boy.

"Hiking??? Come on son; tell your Dad the truth. Nobody can make that sort of money hiking. Where did you Really get the cash from?"

"It's like I say, Dad. Every night when you were gone, Mr. Goldberg from the bank would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a 20 dollar bill and tell me to take a hike"!
 
OP
icepir8

icepir8

Moderator
As I've Matured:



I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.



I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.



I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion - not proof - to destroy it.



I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.



I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.



I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.



I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.



I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.



I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.



I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon, and all the less important ones just never go away.



I've learned to say "f--- 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.



Pass this along to 5 friends... trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe something good will happen.

If Not...tough shit.
 
OP
icepir8

icepir8

Moderator
Kidnapping


There was this blonde who needed money badly. She then decides to kidnap a little boy. She finds a boy then she brings him to the playground, She explains to him that she has kidnapped him for money, and then she writes a ransom note saying that she has kidnapped their son and she demanding $10,000 cash. She wants it in a brown paper bag under the pear tree in the park, the blonde signs the letter THE BLONDE!!!! She then pins the letter to the boy’s chest and sends him home.

The next day the blonde goes to the pear tree to find the brown bag under the tree with the $10,000 in it with a note that reads... How could you do this sort of thing to a fellow Blonde?
 

DuDe

Emu64 Staff
A helicopter pilot gets lost in the middle of Seattle. So, he flies arround, tries to find a landmark that would help him navigate. And then, he sees a skyscraper, and some people watching at him from the inside. So he writes this big sign, with the words "Where am I?" on it, and puts it against the window. The people inside look at it, think for a while, and then write a sign too, and put it against the window. The sign says : "You`re inside a helicopter". The pilot turns arround to the passengers, and says : "We`re near the Microsoft building, I know how to navigate now". So, the passengers ask : "How did you know that we`re near the MS building?"
And the pilot says : "Well, only Microsoft workers can give you a perfectly right answer, that doesn`t help you dick".
 
OP
icepir8

icepir8

Moderator
Have a drink


A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.

The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

"Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney.
 
OP
icepir8

icepir8

Moderator
The Hiker


The hiker who ran up a tree to escape a bear.

There's a guy who's hiking in the woods one day when a bear chases him up a really tall tree.

The bear started to climb the tree, so the guy climbed up higher. Then, the bear climbed down and went away.

So the guy starts to climb down the tree. Suddenly, the bear returns, and this time he's brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears climb up the tree, the bigger bear going higher than the first. But the guy climbed even higher still, so the bears couldn't reach him. Eventually, the bears went away.

Naturally quite relieved, the guy starts down the tree again. Suddenly, the two bears return. But this time the guy knew he was in big trouble. Each bear was carrying a BEAVER.
 

baks

New member
SINNER: Forgive me father for i have sinned. Im a pervert, i fantasize about wil sex, i watch porn & i love 2 c others do it.
FATHER: Is that you Icepir8
 

Top