Joke of the Day
- Thread starter icepir8
- Start date
RPGlover12
New member
LOLbaks said:
, nice one baks
OP
icepir8
Moderator
- Thread Starter
- #24
Goldfish
Mary was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Mary?"
"My goldfish died," replied Mary tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Mary patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
Mary was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Mary?"
"My goldfish died," replied Mary tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Mary patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
thine_impalor
Local spammer
i've got 1....
A Little Slip
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said that he'd get right on it.
The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone 'must' attend!"
"Of course, sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away."
Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver with tribulations in his heart and started to listen.
She said, "Hey, Pete! This is Maggie. Never mind!"
Btw, the Ugly baby joke WAS HILARIOUS:colgate:
A Little Slip
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said that he'd get right on it.
The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone 'must' attend!"
"Of course, sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away."
Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver with tribulations in his heart and started to listen.
She said, "Hey, Pete! This is Maggie. Never mind!"
Btw, the Ugly baby joke WAS HILARIOUS:colgate:
Tri-Force
Philosopher Warrior
one day a man is at work punching the numbers, making the cash and all that good stuff. then his secetary comes on the intercom and tells him that his wife is on line 7. he picks up and she tells him that she is working on a puzzle and wants him to come home right after work because she REALLY needs his help. he says to her "how hard can the puzzle be" and she replys. "i dumped all the pieces on the table and i cant even find the edges" I cant even tell what it's suposed to be a picture of.
"just look on the box" he tells her. (she's blonde) there is always a picture of what it is on the box. she says "oh ok, i see now it's a rooster." she says thanks that might help a little.
the man returns home late that night and his wife tells him that she STILL cant find 2 pieces of the puzzle that match. the man goes to the kitchen, takes one look and says. "put the corn flakes back in the box and come to bed"
"just look on the box" he tells her. (she's blonde) there is always a picture of what it is on the box. she says "oh ok, i see now it's a rooster." she says thanks that might help a little.
the man returns home late that night and his wife tells him that she STILL cant find 2 pieces of the puzzle that match. the man goes to the kitchen, takes one look and says. "put the corn flakes back in the box and come to bed"
OP
icepir8
Moderator
- Thread Starter
- #28
From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it
was postulated that English should have male and
female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a
gender to a noun of their choice and explain their
reason.
The best submissions:
SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it
appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends
most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the
bathroom in pairs.
TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over
inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go
anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of
course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and
squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its
tongue hanging out.
COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a
while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive
device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it
can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in,
but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to
pick people up.
HOURGLASS -- female, because over time, the weight
shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over
the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL -- female...Ha! You thought I'd say
male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost
without it, and while he doesn't always know the right
buttons to push, he keeps trying.
was postulated that English should have male and
female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a
gender to a noun of their choice and explain their
reason.
The best submissions:
SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it
appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends
most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the
bathroom in pairs.
TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over
inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go
anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of
course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and
squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its
tongue hanging out.
COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a
while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive
device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it
can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in,
but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to
pick people up.
HOURGLASS -- female, because over time, the weight
shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over
the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL -- female...Ha! You thought I'd say
male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost
without it, and while he doesn't always know the right
buttons to push, he keeps trying.
thecraft
Alice in Chains Fan
Cold Water
A son lived with his Hillybilly Dad after his parents had a divorce.
When the son came in the house for breakfast, he asked his dad "What's this film on the plate?" His dad looks confused, "I washed it with Cold Water." "Oh..." *Son takes a bite* "Tastes good!" Later, the son returns for lunch to find more of the film on the plate, "Still warshing this plate with Cold Water?" "Yup! Put-Ting!!!" *Son Takes A Bite* "Mmmm.... tastes even BETTER!"
A few hours later, the son returns to his house for Dinner, but finds a angry dog guarding the doorway. "Uhh.... dad.... get this dog out of HERE!" "Oh, that's our dog, don't cha know! Come here Cold Water!!!" Put-ting!
A son lived with his Hillybilly Dad after his parents had a divorce.
When the son came in the house for breakfast, he asked his dad "What's this film on the plate?" His dad looks confused, "I washed it with Cold Water." "Oh..." *Son takes a bite* "Tastes good!" Later, the son returns for lunch to find more of the film on the plate, "Still warshing this plate with Cold Water?" "Yup! Put-Ting!!!" *Son Takes A Bite* "Mmmm.... tastes even BETTER!"
A few hours later, the son returns to his house for Dinner, but finds a angry dog guarding the doorway. "Uhh.... dad.... get this dog out of HERE!" "Oh, that's our dog, don't cha know! Come here Cold Water!!!"
Put-ting!
Last edited:
OP
icepir8
Moderator
- Thread Starter
- #31
The Game
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the National Anthem started...the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts." And the patients complied and by standing up.
After the anthem...he yelled, "Down Nuts." And they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts." They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the doctor yelled, "Boo Nuts." And they all started booing and cat calling.
Thinking things were going very well...the doctor decided to go get a beer and hot dog...leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened ?"
The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled..."PEANUTS
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the National Anthem started...the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts." And the patients complied and by standing up.
After the anthem...he yelled, "Down Nuts." And they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts." They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the doctor yelled, "Boo Nuts." And they all started booing and cat calling.
Thinking things were going very well...the doctor decided to go get a beer and hot dog...leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened ?"
The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled..."PEANUTS
OP
icepir8
Moderator
- Thread Starter
- #32
Oneliners
WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
... DAM!
WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG?
... POLAROIDS
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
... A STICK.
WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
... NACHO CHEESE.
HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
... UNIQUE UP ON IT.
HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?
... TAME WAY, UNIQUE UP ON IT.
HOW DO CRAZY PEOPLE GO THROUGH THE FOREST?
... THEY TAKE THE PSYCHO PATH.
HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
... YOU BOIL THE HELL OUT OF IT.
WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
... SUBORDINATE CLAUSES.
WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
... QUATTRO SINKO.
WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
... SPOILED MILK.
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
... FROSTBITE.
WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
... A NERVOUS WRECK.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
... ANYONE CAN ROAST BEEF.
WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
... BECAUSE THEY HAVE BIG FINGERS.
WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
.... BECAUSE IT SCARES THE HECK OUT OF THEIR DOG.
WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
... SANKA.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
... THE LOCATION OF THE DIRT BAG.
WHY DID PILGRIMS' PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
... BECAUSE THEY WORE THEIR BELT BUCKLES ON THEIR HATS.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?
... A BAD GOLFER GOES, WHACK, DAMN!
... A BAD SKYDIVER GOES DAMN! WHACK.
WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
...SKEET.
WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?
...AN AMISH DRIVE-BY SHOOTING
HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND A TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE SAME?
...SOMEBODY'S GONNA LOSE A TRAILER
WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
... DAM!
WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG?
... POLAROIDS
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
... A STICK.
WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
... NACHO CHEESE.
HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
... UNIQUE UP ON IT.
HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?
... TAME WAY, UNIQUE UP ON IT.
HOW DO CRAZY PEOPLE GO THROUGH THE FOREST?
... THEY TAKE THE PSYCHO PATH.
HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
... YOU BOIL THE HELL OUT OF IT.
WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
... SUBORDINATE CLAUSES.
WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
... QUATTRO SINKO.
WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
... SPOILED MILK.
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
... FROSTBITE.
WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
... A NERVOUS WRECK.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
... ANYONE CAN ROAST BEEF.
WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
... BECAUSE THEY HAVE BIG FINGERS.
WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
.... BECAUSE IT SCARES THE HECK OUT OF THEIR DOG.
WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
... SANKA.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
... THE LOCATION OF THE DIRT BAG.
WHY DID PILGRIMS' PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
... BECAUSE THEY WORE THEIR BELT BUCKLES ON THEIR HATS.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?
... A BAD GOLFER GOES, WHACK, DAMN!
... A BAD SKYDIVER GOES DAMN! WHACK.
WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
...SKEET.
WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?
...AN AMISH DRIVE-BY SHOOTING
HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND A TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE SAME?
...SOMEBODY'S GONNA LOSE A TRAILER
OP
icepir8
Moderator
- Thread Starter
- #33
DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS
1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all.
3. Yelling at me for barking...
I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!
4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone.
(Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly who's walk is this anyway?
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet.
Why'd you buy carpet?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters.
Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.
11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home.
12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard.
Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.
14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.
15. Invisible fences.
Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!
1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all.
3. Yelling at me for barking...
I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!
4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone.
(Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly who's walk is this anyway?
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet.
Why'd you buy carpet?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters.
Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.
11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home.
12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard.
Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.
14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.
15. Invisible fences.
Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!
DeadRabbit
Emutalk Janitor
Husband: "Tomorrow, me , you , and the dog are going fishing"
Wife: "No way, I hate fishing"
Husband: "Well, you've got till tomorrow to decide otherwise, or else you'll have to perform a sexual favour for me"
Wife "O.K, I agree, but you and the dog are going fishing alone, I detest fishing"
THE NEXT DAY:
Husband: "O.k. today, we go fishing"
Wife: "No, way !"
Husband: "Right, what you have to do is to suck my dick and then let me put it up your ass"
The wife (willing to do anything to get out of going fishing), kneels down, undoes his zipper and puts his cock in her mouth.
At this point she reels back , gagging , and in utter disgust.
Wife: "WTF, this tastes fucking disgusting !! "
Husband: "Oh sorry , I forgot to mention.............THE DOG DIDN'T WANT TO GO EITHER ! "
Wife: "No way, I hate fishing"
Husband: "Well, you've got till tomorrow to decide otherwise, or else you'll have to perform a sexual favour for me"
Wife "O.K, I agree, but you and the dog are going fishing alone, I detest fishing"
THE NEXT DAY:
Husband: "O.k. today, we go fishing"
Wife: "No, way !"
Husband: "Right, what you have to do is to suck my dick and then let me put it up your ass"
The wife (willing to do anything to get out of going fishing), kneels down, undoes his zipper and puts his cock in her mouth.
At this point she reels back , gagging , and in utter disgust.
Wife: "WTF, this tastes fucking disgusting !! "
Husband: "Oh sorry , I forgot to mention.............THE DOG DIDN'T WANT TO GO EITHER ! "
DeadRabbit
Emutalk Janitor
Tri-Force said:
That's right.........I just told you it
Cleverboy
RPGlover12
New member
ur jokes are great icepir8
and nice one deadrabbit
and nice one deadrabbit
ok there was 3 guys on the top of the empire state building. the 1st guy said to the second guy "hey did you know if you jump off the empire state building the air current will just push you back up" so the second guy says "no way, i dont believe that" than the first guy says "oh yeah? watch this" so the 1st guy jumps off the empire state building and he comes back up. so the second guy says "wow, cool ill try it now" so he jumps off and hes never seen again, he died. so the third guy goes "you're a real asshole superman"
RPGlover12
New member
LMAO nice one goku
nice one goku