My story, rate it!

[Ketil]

This short story is for school, what grade would you give me for it?
Here it goes:

Lil` Bo The Hitman

In a time were agents of the law were pleanty and distructors of the law were more, there was a man who stood above the rest: Lil` Bo The Hitman. He worked in a mafia organisation in Moscow, Russia. The organisation had the name Deadman Incorporated.

One day Bo was assigned to a mission by his leader, his name was Fat Joe. The mission was to secure an entry to the Pensacola airbase in USA, hijack an F-16 fighter aircraft and neutralize The White House, an operation that his associate Osama bin Laden failed to fulfill.

Before travelling to the USA Jack had to take flying lessons home in Russia. After a few weeks of air combat training, he was ready to be shipped to the USA, the eye of the storm. Jack was supplied with several modern firearms to help him complete his mission. He was given a suppressed Beretta 92FS, an Ingram MAC-10, an MP5 and a few grenades.



Just a few hours after he arrived New York, a policeman got suspicious about him and Bo notied it. He pulled up his silenced pistol and dispatched him. No-one around in the street noticed, no wonder when the place was so crowded. Bo continued his vendetta down to the subway, where he took the train over to the Pensacola airbase.

Arriving Pensacola he put on his pilot uniform and made his entry to the hangars. Bo noticed an F-16, and decided to hijack it. When Bo was walking towards the aircraft a pilot got suspicious about him and called for backup. He had no other choice than to use his MAC-10 to clear out the hostiles. Lil` Bo walked backwards towards the plane while spraying with his MAC-10, clearing the filthy americans out of his path. He sat into the cockpit and drove the F-16 out to the runway and took off.

He sat his course straight at the White House, his bomb target. When Bo got a clear visual of the building he activated his weapon systems and fired a missile that made the left side of the building collapse. He took a u-turn to head back and launch another missile. This missile took out the right side of the building. Now it was only one part left, the center. At this part George W. Bush had his office. Bo saw the president beg for his life from inside the window, but he did not hesitate, he fired his heaviest missile straight at him, taking out the last part of the building. When Bo knew he had completed the objectives, he realized it was no way he could make it back to Russia alive. Right then he spotted a team of ten F-16 fighters from the US Air-Force. Bo did not stand a chance. The mission was fulfilled, and so was Lil` Bo The Hitman.

The End.

[2fast4u]

unsatisfying wordchoice,
lack of research,
hostile and biased content,
cheap plot.

D-

kthx.

[Ketil]

well i live in Norway. My english is not that good this is the best i can do.

[2fast4u]

thats no excuse ..

[Ketil]

any words i could replace... cmon

[DuDe]

I`m gonna with 2f4u on that one dude, it`s lacking. Not enough detail, and you should have gone a bit farther into describing the security around Bush and the airplanes, it`s not as simple as - shoot people, bang bang.
But if it`s for school, you don`t have to write a friggin "Yulisses". It`ll probably do.

[Ketil]

I'm the best in english at my class.
I need a new name for that mafia thing tho

[aprentice]

F

[Malcolm]

Ketil: Maybe you would get more help from friends or a teacher from your school. I know this forum is way off topic but this is a little to...

[Slougi]

I got bored after reading the first twwo sentences. Not a good sign.