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Ketil
May 31st, 2002, 01:32
This short story is for school, what grade would you give me for it?
Here it goes:

Lil` Bo The Hitman

In a time were agents of the law were pleanty and distructors of the law were more, there was a man who stood above the rest: Lil` Bo The Hitman. He worked in a mafia organisation in Moscow, Russia. The organisation had the name Deadman Incorporated.

One day Bo was assigned to a mission by his leader, his name was Fat Joe. The mission was to secure an entry to the Pensacola airbase in USA, hijack an F-16 fighter aircraft and neutralize The White House, an operation that his associate Osama bin Laden failed to fulfill.

Before travelling to the USA Jack had to take flying lessons home in Russia. After a few weeks of air combat training, he was ready to be shipped to the USA, the eye of the storm. Jack was supplied with several modern firearms to help him complete his mission. He was given a suppressed Beretta 92FS, an Ingram MAC-10, an MP5 and a few grenades.

Just a few hours after he arrived New York, a policeman got suspicious about him and Bo notied it. He pulled up his silenced pistol and dispatched him. No-one around in the street noticed, no wonder when the place was so crowded. Bo continued his vendetta down to the subway, where he took the train over to the Pensacola airbase.

Arriving Pensacola he put on his pilot uniform and made his entry to the hangars. Bo noticed an F-16, and decided to hijack it. When Bo was walking towards the aircraft a pilot got suspicious about him and called for backup. He had no other choice than to use his MAC-10 to clear out the hostiles. Lil` Bo walked backwards towards the plane while spraying with his MAC-10, clearing the filthy americans out of his path. He sat into the cockpit and drove the F-16 out to the runway and took off.

He sat his course straight at the White House, his bomb target. When Bo got a clear visual of the building he activated his weapon systems and fired a missile that made the left side of the building collapse. He took a u-turn to head back and launch another missile. This missile took out the right side of the building. Now it was only one part left, the center. At this part George W. Bush had his office. Bo saw the president beg for his life from inside the window, but he did not hesitate, he fired his heaviest missile straight at him, taking out the last part of the building. When Bo knew he had completed the objectives, he realized it was no way he could make it back to Russia alive. Right then he spotted a team of ten F-16 fighters from the US Air-Force. Bo did not stand a chance. The mission was fulfilled, and so was Lil` Bo The Hitman.

The End.

2fast4u
May 31st, 2002, 01:39
unsatisfying wordchoice,
lack of research,
hostile and biased content,
cheap plot.

D-

kthx.

Ketil
May 31st, 2002, 01:42
well i live in Norway. My english is not that good this is the best i can do.

2fast4u
May 31st, 2002, 01:43
thats no excuse .. :P

Ketil
May 31st, 2002, 01:46
any words i could replace... cmon

DuDe
May 31st, 2002, 01:57
I`m gonna with 2f4u on that one dude, it`s lacking. Not enough detail, and you should have gone a bit farther into describing the security around Bush and the airplanes, it`s not as simple as - shoot people, bang bang.
But if it`s for school, you don`t have to write a friggin "Yulisses". It`ll probably do.

Ketil
May 31st, 2002, 01:59
I'm the best in english at my class.
I need a new name for that mafia thing tho

aprentice
May 31st, 2002, 02:03
F

Malcolm
May 31st, 2002, 02:04
Ketil: Maybe you would get more help from friends or a teacher from your school. I know this forum is way off topic but this is a little to...

Slougi
May 31st, 2002, 02:21
I got bored after reading the first twwo sentences. Not a good sign.

adi
May 31st, 2002, 03:01
hmmmm, its topical to say the least but it isn't very exciting. add in a few swear words/gratutious violence and it should be OK. or do some paranormal transformation half way ala Stephen King. Man, i Love that author. the first 100 pages of Desperation are the finest I've ever read in a book

Slougi
May 31st, 2002, 03:13
The problem with the story is that it is 100% linear, no turning points anywhere.

Johnny_Rico
May 31st, 2002, 03:21
ALL essays are the same.
This story is NOT good, it's just a school essay!
Give it to your teacher and get your 100 man! :D

Josep
May 31st, 2002, 07:27
too choppy, i don't know what this is supposed to be, but if it was an "Ultra fast short story" It MIGHT be ok, but waaay too fragmented

Tri-Force
May 31st, 2002, 09:35
ive won enough writing contests to help right of the bat. frist of all nobody want's to read a story about a hitman that begins "once upon a time" it's too alice and wonderland ish. give it some deapth. try something like (and this is just off the top of my head) "In a time when agents of the law were pleanty and distructors of the law were more, there was a man who stood above the rest."

Raging Fuel
May 31st, 2002, 13:26
What grade are you in? And yeh, I was going to pretty much say what tri-force said, don't start a story about terrorists with 'once upon a time'.

sytaylor
May 31st, 2002, 13:33
maybe another start could be in the present tense? rather than refering to it as if it happened in the 1800s... how about "The polotical climate has been growing steadily more intense for the last 9 months, acts of violence against world leaders have become common place. In a time like this one hitman has made a name for himself like no other..." ?

just a thought :)

DuDe
May 31st, 2002, 16:16
How about NOT naming the hitman Jack? What kind of a name is that for a hitman? A hitman should have some kind of a nickname, something like "Lil` Bo" or whatever.

aprentice
May 31st, 2002, 21:31
No no, mario is a great name for a hitman. Hes evil! Hes addicted millions of people out there to his games. Damn hes hot

Ketil
May 31st, 2002, 22:02
did some slight adjustments in the beginning and names. still needs more violence, and a little more sickness.

aprentice
June 1st, 2002, 02:16
which mental hospital are you operating from? j/k

Ketil
June 1st, 2002, 03:05
Originally posted by aprentice
which mental hospital are you operating from? j/k

lol ren:happy:

Sukh
June 1st, 2002, 16:57
Uhmm, ever heard of Microsoft Word Synonyms? Right-click on a word and it'll give you alternatives - very cool.

It's a bit boring so I didn't read much but, "In a time were agents", were should be when

rob in london
June 1st, 2002, 19:02
if you can't say anything nice...

Trotterwatch
June 1st, 2002, 19:15
F-

The story doesn't do anything, it doesn't have any plot setting, any plot twists, it's a straightforward A to B tale.

The subject matter will also tend to lose you marks, examiners, teachers etc don't tend to enjoy reading work that contains excessive violence.

Your level of English seems to be good though, you could just use more imagination. To be truthful, this idea could do with being scrapped and you coming up with a new one.

If you are intent with sticking to this story, then do as sytaylor has advised and build it up a little.

Anchel
June 4th, 2002, 00:33
You want us to rate it?????
Ok, I'll rate it

2fast4u
June 4th, 2002, 00:37
Originally posted by rob in london
if you can't say anything nice...

... but if there ain't anything nice to say ...

Ketil
June 4th, 2002, 01:06
I got a 6'er, which equals an A. F- my ass. I got an A. In yo face!

2fast4u
June 4th, 2002, 01:11
Originally posted by Ketil
I got a 6'er, which equals an A. F- my ass. I got an A. In yo face!

ROFLMAO :happy: i said d- not f-, biatch! i've never seen such a pathetic piece of writing in my life.

Ketil
June 4th, 2002, 01:18
well spank my white ass coz i got an a

2fast4u
June 4th, 2002, 01:30
woo, touchy subject :innocent:

Ketil
June 4th, 2002, 02:46
so u can suk meh dik if u dun leik meh shit, coz i was high when i wrote this so suk my dik.(biatch)

Malcolm
June 4th, 2002, 04:00
Ketil STFU, no one needs to hear about "suk"'ing your "dik" u moron

DuDe
June 4th, 2002, 17:32
And he didn`t even come up with that one, it`s an Eminem song.

Remote
June 4th, 2002, 17:52
Originally posted by Slougi
I got bored after reading the first twwo sentences. Not a good sign.

Definetely not, I only read a couple of sentences and the story didn't get me hooked.. I'll see if I can find a good story, written by yours truly, and then I'll attach it...

Macca
June 4th, 2002, 18:16
how old are you? and what year are you in?

i can't really give it a grade without knowing what standard you should be at.

It ranges from a 10 year old which it would be good to an 18 which would be shocking.

sytaylor
June 4th, 2002, 18:46
for a foreign language student to produce that its not bad i guess, but as far as storys go i agree with the guys its not brill... and for most of the people on these boards english isnt their native tongue yet they could prolly kill that story, so i'd listen and not insult ketil ;)